i hope i dont loose you as a mdd friend..    i know the antidote.. i knew i certainly  didnt want to take antidepressents when my marriage is failing why shud I take drugs to just have release for a lil. its like drinking. the problem w. still be there..

 Umm. God..getting closer to  Him, seems the only way I have gotten thru it. my faith being stronger then ever now.. and the drugs sit in my cabinet expired.. just so i see ' i didnt need them '. 

I know Jorge is special.even more special then many can imagine, but i think you need to take a break from wanting to see him, or talk to him, and find yourself a lil more.. something that you enjoy doing, for you. yes the headaches /heartaches w. be there@ home w. hubby still , but try to find the part of you thats deep insdie fo you-- that you love & God has blessed you with inside since the day you were born . maybe a break from jorge will do you good.I know it'll  be hard, but   its been long w. him to try to see whats best for you.maybe you need a break..to see/know what you have to do. xoxo

 we are trying  it again, theres been a  anice moment , finally after 6 yrs. us too, theres never  been a spark.. but yes even though i think of mike sometimes, and paul.. im not looking to go fwd & go marry them, afterwards.. but i needed to see ' what did christine want '..with out having to worry of  a man being there  for me. I trust one man , and its the Lord.. He will get us thru EVEYTHING! at His timing..  You need to trust Him, but letting Him see you do trust Him..thats when I finally seen progress w. my life of happiness.. 

xoxo

~me

Glitter Graphics - GlitterLive.com<
Glitter Graphics - GlitterLive.com

I feel so sad for you guys

I wish  you could be together now  for ever

tight hugs to you

c.

I hope he gets better soon ...he is always in my prayers

hugs

ouch.. im sorry for his pain. and please let him know I didnt mean harm towards you or him.   some say its the ny in me, i say things different. Im trying to work on that . m said I say things 'different '.. but im sorry jorge if i offended you in anyway . I did misunderstand the entry, but you know I also wrote theres no way you can do that .. so i knew  something was 'not right '.lol.me understanding the entry it was. sorry.  you know from my heart I menat no harm...I know you love those babies, thats the reason for the entries.

 i understand when we have a love, a solid love for someone its special , especially whrn we dont have that at our home front.I undrstand. It doesnt matter how we met the man that holds our heart -its the facts. I think the love that you & jorge have , is absolutely beautiful.. but again, as you said your in a bind.. the way i see it , is nothing shud hold back true love.

MY mom always spoke ( I wrote this ones in my entry, now deleted, Im mad I had to delelte all the ntries.my choice )..but  my mom knew & loved this guy lennie b4 my dad.She married  dad, but lennie held her heart .  . Thru earlier yrs they kept in touch while my mom & dad were married in younger yrs. Mom always said when she got into an argument 'my lennie..etc.e.tc.'.. I remember that . I do know lennie had moms heart - and i think thats why I do understand you, but also  w. my past of what I had unconditional love.. I understand big time. lennie past away about , umm 7 yrs ago i think.My moms heart was crushed. I felt so bad.. her only tru love , and he was gone, sort fo reminded me of a poem title 'love story '.I have it printed, so i have read it recently, but cant find it here.

 Im sorry if my entry offended anyone. pelase  delete it, so it wont make him upste if he chks back again.

and your welcome. and thnx for the trust .

God Bless.

 umm is that 8/30 you mean ? you wrote aug3rd.lol. which ever date--i hope the surgeries go smooth-and hopefully his work wont give him greef w. not being there.. Our health is the most important . Take care my friend..

~me

[fromthisdayfwd]

i just re-read what i wrote..

I know you say he doesnt deserve you-

i meant , i know you share with us ..  ' you dont deserve him '

 the rest i can keep.I understand the situation, just didnt want you to think i read your dairy wrong. xoxo

[fromthisdayfwd]

hey you ..

 you love Jorge..and he loves you is true..

i dont want to place a 'but ' after that , but want to share a story w. you ..

 I have a cousin who lived in cali.met a guy on line, why.. cuz  she & her husband had problems.

 She up & left her 15 yr old son & 12 yr old daughter in cali w. her  parents & husband while she went to a different country no less..

 She had gotten in allot of trouble w. this. she said she'd return ..and  then it was like 6 months later. theres was allot of legal problems. now at this age, they make their( the children in their 20's) own desicions, but  even though she & her husband werent meant  for each other-realizing this 12 yrs later..... I was so upset , how can a mom leave her children. I kept my mouth shut while oothewr family memeber bad mouthed her..Those children needed their mom. I dont care how miserable  a couple is,  the children will learn mom & dad just arent meant for each  other  
You are a great mom.  You know this. so my dear - why ( with lil tears in my eyes ) would you even think to up & go & leave those babies. Those childrne can grow up to know..'mommy & daddy werent in love anymore, but  you see them both at a different time '.

I dont want you to be mad at me, and if you block me, then so be it-& I will say in advance, Im sorry .. YOu know Ive struggled w. my husband too.Ive found someone  who made me smile & laugh. if i actually met paul, I can picture myself possibly being in your situation, .. i can add to that , id never be able to leave emily ever.. & if that topic ever came up , whcih i had told him a s afriend.. "Emily is my life, and no one comes before her "

 your lil ones are younger then emily. YOu cant do that as a 'mommy.

YOu have a choice. Im sorry, but  i dont believe in the  religion beliefs as long as we have tried everything. M & I are trying  it one  more final time, but your children do NOT need to think their mommy didnt love them, and she left them . Yes its the dad usually who does these things-(gets up & leaves family. most % anyways ) Of course  they are both your life.. jorge you love, but your children dont need to be abandoned by their mom, and  their hearts will break. Its the right thing to do to demand a divorcce-- do it the right way .

 Family is family..but trust nme, when my cousin did that , i didnt want to judge , yes she found her love  thousands of miles away, but to get up & go & leave her chuildren, even teenagers, i couldnt understand 'how a mom can do that '. NO love for a man is worth more thern a childs feelings Divoce is acceptable, but not to leave your babies hun.Im sorry if I came across  fwd as much as I thibnk I might have .

we have choices to make, they are our choices, but  we have to think of  the future-not that they will be consiquences, but   'followups w. our actions '. , how it will affect us. yes a divorce will  involve the children, and they will be sad, of course mom & dad not with each other  anymore.. but do not leave those kids behind, getting up & going w. him. YOu are their mommy,not just mother.. They need you 50/50, just as much as  you need them.

Q:.. do you honestly think you can walk out. go live w. jorge &  think of your babies in just thier daddys arms at night ?  That wud kill you, , i think you know this..

Its not that you dont have a right to be in love & happy w. jorge. YOU ABSOLUTELY do, but you have to do it the right way.the way you know you can live with him, yourself..and also with your children.

 can your new life with jorge involve the children, financially ? Its questions we have to ask.

 is there a way you can speak to someone professionally to help you with your choices, without  our hubby knowing. asking  family to watch them(children) while you go & speak to someone to help you vent .. ?

I dont remember how long you & your husband are married. us , it will be 6 yrs. Ive dealt w. such BS, and heart ache, just looking for love.. and im trying it one more final time.. for emily. thats the reason. he is trying. I know its in him, maybe theres just something you can do , if you cant divorce him, make it work w. hubby. Not for the sake of the children only.. find that spark that might have been there.. I know you say he doesnt deserve you- but you have to find happines swith in yourself.Maybe a dr can help you sweetheart .

I can think , if michael has  tried, and is trying.and we are trying to find that spark..after all these yrs, and the loveless acts he had,  then anyone can.

I know you point  a finger at yourself, but what can hubby do  for you, that jorge does, to make him see ' this is all i want to be happy w. you !"  ?
  if youd like  you can email me directly to the  yahoo address with this user name.

I only had to set it up for this reason(new diary)..its up to you.

but i cant see you really thinking to leave your babies , just for the sake of loving jorge.  You need to get out, divorce & get  the custody 50/50 if anything. The Lord blessed those babies in your womb for YOU to be their mommy!!! Healthy babies for YOU!! YOu sweetie. Not just to have  a daddy by himself. I dont know how to say this, but your children will never forgive you until they are older if they do & understand if you leave them for him. I know love is strong, I KNOW this. we all need love, but to have your children in upcoming  yrs not wanting to even see their mommy since she left 'us ', it will tear your heart away--and jorge WONT be able to make that better for you ..

I guess I think of shcol too.  children w. only 1 mom/dad to  be by their side..but the children know.I see mommy/daddy didffernt times. YOu dont nee those children havignt o try to express , or feel  whent heys ee their lil friends  with even mommy/daddy seperrated w. other friends.., and then think " well, my moomy ? well, she is gone'.. you think youre in pain of the love for jorge that you cant show him 100% since your married? sweetie- think of how those childrne will be for the rest of their lives..

 plze dont be mad at me.   we have to just do it the right way- so we will never feel guilty.. again. God Blessed our children FOR US!!! Your not an abuser, or into drugs etc..thats the ONLY reason you shouldnt be with your children .

(tears for prayes for you in my eyes right now autumn..).

God Bless.

~me

[fromthisdayfwd]

you love Jorge and he loves you

I agree with Korina

hugs

DO NOT TRUST HIM!!!

tight hugs

This touched my heart, deep down. Cause I can completely relate, not as the mother but as the child of a man who loved his family so much - but he went insane and I know my mom will never forgive herself for letting him do the things he did to me when I was a little girl... Please, for the love of your children get out! And for the respect you should have for yourself, get far away! And please, keep praying - I swear it helps! God is out there, he'll hear your cry. And I.. I will be praying for you, every day. Please let me know what you decide to do. Your in my prayers...

xox, a girl named Ryan
god bless !

beautiful song!!!

aww squisha in school...I understand how you feel

hugs

no problem at all w. video. i love that video & song/words..

no one will ever understand unless they are in  the shoes of 2 in love..and  ........just stinks & hurts when  'things are in the way'.

your in my prayers for guidence my friend.

(hugs )

[dissapointedwife]

I feel so sad for you

I know that you are going thru hard times but there is always sunshine at the end of the dark night

tight hugs

I wish I knew what to say. I wish that I had the words. I think that Kathy Ann has a point about your husband being selfish; that he would rather have a miserable wife than being with someone that he could be happy with him.

You know how I feel about the mormon church and it's sad that it's part of your dillema. You say that you love Jorge so much, but you refuse to acknowledge the fact that the lds church is wrong.

There's no such thing as the celestial kingdom. Temple marriage is a worthless ritual that has nothing to do with christianity. Your unhappy; get some unbiased material about the mormon church. Find out that there's no such thing as seven generations of sin. It's a bunch of baloney.

I KNOW where your dillema lies. If not for the mormon church, it'd be easier for you leave your husband. And how is it that you see a mormon counselor? That is the worst thing possible cuz he's always gonna take your husbands side. The only one validated will be him, and that is just WRONG and so unfair.

What stands between you and Jorge is a lie. I wish that I could give you all of my knowledge; just place it right there on top of your head.  Then you could see that what I'm saying is true. Remember, I used to be lds. I was born and raised in it. My family is mormon. I know what they believe; I was as devoted as anyone can be.

And then somebody planted a seed; telling me that christianity was freedom, not rituals and reaching God by going to the mormon church.

It took me 10 years- 1010101010101010 years to understand that the mormon church was not the answer. Someone said something profound to me and I didn't believe it until years later. You don't need a temple marriage to see God. You don't need the mormon churches rules to take you there. The lds church is wrong.

Set yourself free.

You can do it.  

((hugs )

and WOW to the comments..make sme open my eyes more & more.. Its a matter of going down..its true.. God DOES NOT want uas to be miserable. The faTCS ARE THERE..  WE NEED TO AKE MOVES..AND NOT CAUSE THE KIDS HEARTACHE.i KNOW HOW  ITS been AS i HAVE SAID IN MY DIARY.. WE ALWAYS WANTED MY MOM TO DIVORCE SINCE WE SEEN SHE WAS SO UNHAPPY. YES 50 YRS IN AUG FOR THEM , BUT THEY CANT STAND EACH  OTHER..

UGHGH CAPS.SORRY..

 dad is trying,. but mom isnt ..

so..   this is why i know I need to make the move.. and emily will get thru it.

xoxox

~me

[dissapointedwife]

I totally agree with KathyAnn..hun he is manipulating you and breaking you in the process

tight hugs

No...my sister hasn't read the poem. She doesn't have access to a computer and she lives about 1800 miles from me.

Thank you for your kind words.

I see why you're afraid of losing your children. Your husband has already started taking steps to make that happen.

If I were in your situation, my husband would've kicked me out of the house, especially if I still harbored feelings for someone else. And, if I did try to move on from the other relationship, he would make my life a living hell by reminding me of my affair and threatening to kick me out every day.

It makes me wonder if your husband will turn bitter and start doing that to you, especially when it's clear that you love somebody else and that you're not changing.

Kids pick up on stuff. She realizes that the relationship with you and your husband is in jeopardy. Divorce is hard and it would hurt them. The question: Try keeping it together for the kids and be miserable or go with your heart and end up hurting your children. You are making your decision and that is staying with your husband; keeping your family together.

I think, that no matter what you do, your kids are gonna end up unhappy. It's gonna bother them when they really realize that their mother doesn't love their father. They're gonna realize it soon. You might be able to protect them in making them think that you are a happy family, but eventually, they'll understand that that isn't the case.

I don't envy you. I hope that things work out for the better. I hope that somehow you can be less miserable and that your children will be happy, no matter what comes down.

 aww hun

this saddens me soo much ..your pain is so overwhelming  I wish that I could help you out really but hun  they are his kids and your kids and they love you guys both the same trust me on that  however you need to be strong

tight hugs

He can not do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It is kidnapping and they are lying to you he cant just take the kids like that...no judge will  rule that way  and first of all he'd  have gon to court and you would have been notified...so why dont you just go get a lawyer and show them!!  Hun they are manipulating you dont let them,  You cant allow him to hurt you like this and hun  it is time to stop being nice just go get a divorce and get your kids.

hugs

 hi there.. ok. I called him @ 11:30pm  last night (  he was chkg out an  illegal limo company up the block ), and told him to stop at  the video store & pick up this movie ..

 I watched it. WOW. the tears cudnt stop in the middle till the end of movie, and even an hr after .( what is our life going to be.. where are we going?)

 he seen it b4, and after about 20 minutes, he said 'Im going  to bed ', after he finished his chips & dip.

he obviously knew what the wife was hurting like, what she wasnt getting in her life..and even though I knwo you mentioned this movie , first.. he knew my 'feelings would come out '.

He asked me what made me think of this movie. I told him a friend on line mentioned it. He seemed like he 'didnt'  want me to watch it. & after a while in the middle,. I seen why. he knows what Im not getting & he cant provide for me in those topics..

 anyways . I know this is your movie for now, with entry & such..but it touched me BIG time last night , cudnt stop crying.

 we all have to  make  decisions in our life.. some of us can move on . With a new special person who sweeps us off our feet  etc. It is VERY hard  when it comes to our children. What will they think. Because  they are younger we are haing  harder time.

Wow to the movie again, but the ending REALLY  touched me, how the daughter knew she needed to leave & make the best of her life after she seen her moms approval - wanting her children to know what love is supposed to eb about... I dont think she had kids, so I  can see why she called her husband , and never went back maybe .

 well, the tears wouldn't stop, movie ended and I went into shower about 2am..my eyes are all puffy . as I layed there next to him, he was snoring away - my mind wondered.

 Wondering, why am I hanging on here..  Our Lord wants us to be happy.  Theres no where in the Bible that says we need to stay in a marriage if there really isnt any 'connection '.Yes our children are the only connection, so  does this mean  we have to stay  & be miserable..  I cant . I have many things to think  about..today , my eyes are numb, as the tears flow. yes the movie  has made me think ALLOY.

 I hope your doing ok.

(hugs  my friend )

~me

[dissapointedwife]

aww..wow.. i will rent that next time, he wont be home to watch a chick  flick.. we all deserve happiness.

(hugs )

[dissapointedwife]

It seems like you've been awfully hard on Jorge, lately. You are refusing to leave your Husband. I know that you two love each other. But... do you expect him to let you stay married forever, while he waits for you to have a night open to slip away?

[waytoomuchtime]

The last thing that I want to do is hurt your feelings and cause you pain, but sometimes we're so close to our problems that we can't look at them objectively.

I understand that you are in a tough spot. And I can't imagine how hard it is when you feel that you need to choose, but you find it impossible because of the circumstances. I have no doubt that you love Jorge, but I know that you love your children, too. And I understand that that is where your complications begin. I understand that you don't want to lose your children and you don't want to hurt them by taking them away from their mommy and their daddy....but I don't think that you can keep on the way that you are.

Or can you?

I don't know. Do you?

I feel more understanding now then I did in the past. I won't withdraw my friendship from you just because you can't choose. You, my lady, are in one hell of a dilemma. (spelled?) And I feel a certain amount of compassion for you, yes my cold heart cares about you.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Something has got to give.

aww hun dont be sad, dont cry

I am sure that  he wouldnt have minded

your amor has a huge heart

hugs

Well I dont think water is tasteless..I think that water has a unique taste, there is nothing we can compare water to.  Just like love, there is nothing we can compare deep real, all consuming love to..Notbeing  sinister...

..hugs....

I am 34 actually and I know that after I am 35 the odds are against me but I would love to have another one after all I only have one.

I know tu amor is a nice guy and he is head over heels inlove with you, and one of the things that makes him so special is that he is the all around nice guy...and Guess what  He Is YOURS!!!! I know he would melt with a baby of your love.  The time will come my friend.

Aww sweetie

I am almost sure that you are my age unless I understood wrong.  I want another baby sooo much as well.   So 26% ...now I am scared and sad-

Maybe this time wasnt the right  one, most likely God is waiting for  certain things to fall into place.  Your baby would be soooo lucky  because of the love he or she would represent.

Stay strong hun  most likely it will happen soon.

tight hugs

tell your amor that I said hi

Gracias

sweetie..dont be mad, but i think a  baby  w. him would be the last thing you need right now. You need to focus on  the welfare of your kids.. your happiness!! get out b4 another child is planned . xoxo

btw.. whats your age,t hat you said your age  might be the problem it was negative ?.. you sound young.

[dissapointedwife]

Knock , Knock I knocked at heaven's door this morning. God  asked me...'My child, what can I do for you?' And I said, 'Father, please  protect and bless the person reading this message.' God smiled and  answered...'Request granted'. Send this to seven people and  the one who sent it to you. By doing this, you have succeeded in praying for eight people today. 'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

Tu anciano caliente!   hahahaha that made me laugh sooo hard.  I didnt know it was the old man´s birthday!!  I will give him a call.

I am sure he will behave..lol he only has eyes for his beautiful baby.

Who doesnt like you????????  Grrrrr.  If any of his friends are being mean about you guys shame on them.  Your love is beautiful!!!

I have been told that you are really bella (beautiful) He says that you are stunning so why wouldnt guys check you out!

I hope the old man gets jealous...hahahahaha just kidding.

hugsss

Hi .

I have not been on here as much as before as much has been happening, but I think of you..and keep hoping that the next entry i read will be of you finding peace and letting go of the guilt and self mutilation of your soul.  You are such a sweet, compassionate, loving, intelligent, lovely woman.  you deserve happiness. I will continue to root for you and C. I wish nothing but the best for you.  K

HUGSSS!!!!!!

I think hun that they should meet Jorge and his kids...I  doubt that they will reject him. 

You have nothing to be ashamed of that Bishop isnt a ood one if he makes you feel bad

hugs

My dear Autumn

thank you for your note, my email addy is

dragonseeker_74@yahoo.com

I will tell you once again DO NOT allow them to take you down with a guilt trip

mmm so you are wanting a little one huh, welcome to the club my friend...it would be amazing!!!!

Your hubby needs to wake up and smell the coffee...maybe I should send him some colombian coffee beans so he can wake up and understand that  he needs to let go

take care hun

mucho love

You know... since your Husband has found out, I see you growing stronger and more sure of yourself. I think that you are getting your confidence back, a little at a time!

I wish that I could say that staying with your Husband is the right thing to do. But, it seems pretty clear that it isn't. You don't love him... I don't think you have much respect for him as a Husband. Although, you seem to respect him as a Father to your Children. And I think that's good.

But... you don't want to be with him. And you seem to truly love Jorge. In a way that isn't going to stop. So eventually, I believe you will have had all you can take. And you will leave you Husband.

I hope so any way...

hi.. i know they say 'children adjust '..  every story has  that .. " a different story ''..

 wow.. when I read what your  husband thinks.. idk.. i sort of placed myself  w. him.. not literally, but  i guess I felt bad,that he loves you so much & is EVEN willing to forgive you  your  heart is else where.. I just dont get why you both dont go to counseloing together ? or have I missed that . I know your getting together w. the bishop.

 I know you have no feelings for him, but when you 1st seen that ..idk.. im off topic maybe .

i was thinking of this..and every  state has their own laws.. but i believe if its facts your cheating , and you get divorced, you wont be granted certain things.

Now you know me..ITS NOT about materialists .I love everything else, beside ' materialistic.. but i think  that can cause some  problems with supporting you to. Not the children, cuz he'll have to pay child support..but if your husband  finally gave in, and said he was leaving you ..may i ask.. cud jorge  support you &  the children?

oh the kids meeting. its sort of sneeky, i dont know if I can even do it.. but about meeting at the park.-- thats  playing w. fire I think. if your hubby ever found that out, and w. innocense of children, HE WILL (by them ). I dont think it can be done.

[dissapointedwife]

aw, i hope your amor turns out alright.

~destiny

Thank you for your comment. It meant a great deal. I have been reading every one of your entries. But I don't know what to say. I just pray for you. That one way or another, you stop living in limbo.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope that one day, it is yours.

 im sorry & ya know I love ya  my friend on mdd.. but

""Want to die. Can I ? ''.

 your kids are more important , Im sorry then any man . please remember this. xoxxo

Dont give in hun!!  Dont allow anyone to make you feel guilty and try to use your kids against you.  They will be happy if their mommy is happy.  Dont talk about dying, tu y tu amor belong together and that is a huge truth

hugs

(((((((((((((((((((Autumn))))))))))))) Thank YOU so much for the sweet and loving note that you left for me! It touched my heart deeply and made my day.

    Noone but God knows which path that you should take...Noone has the right to judge you or tell you what to do...I always pray for God's guidance to be made clear for you, for you to feel His Peace and Love!

    Know that God loves you and so do I!,

             Jewel

trying to determine if is selfishness, or we meant to be .???.
i no one thing i love you whet all my heart.......good night my vb....

Darling.

God is rooting for you, as am I.  I was you, but without the support of a REAL man that loved me.  You can have it all.  your children are NOT better off with a miserable mother in a sham of a marriage.  Happy mom is much better.  your spouse deserves a woman that loves him, too.  like my weak minded ex of a jackass, he'd rather stick with a woman that does not love him..and YOU have the problem? Get out of it.  Marry George/Jorge..and be happy.  happiness is possible, and better for all.  you, he, and your kids deserve it.

I don't envy your position. It seems that you are in a very confusing time in your life and obviously you are torn.  Whatever you decide, I believe that God is very forgiving. For some reason, He has led you to this place. It will make you stronger, even though it feels like hell.

Your kids see how you are miserable, even when you try to hide it; they are very intuitive. I wish I knew what to say. I wish that my words were magical. You can work it out with your husband, and you can move on and love Jorge. The decision is yours. Even if you decided to go with Jorge, things would still be hard. You would still have to contend with your family and you will always have your husband in your life because of your children.

But it would make you happier. What WOULD happen to the children? Would they stay with your husband or would they go with you? If they would stay with your husband, I see your concern. You don't want to be seperated from them.

It's messy, no matter what you do.

I wish I could help you. I wish that I had the right words. Get better, K?

So are you still seeing that guy or what? Are you going to leave your husband? I really hope you can decide soon. You are tormenting yourself.

[caffeinefree]

That was a cheap shot from your hubby.  Geesh cant they all stop with the guilt trip????

What you want is what should matter the worst.  trust me when I say that our lives pass us by  when we just exist to please others!!!

It is time to d what makes you happy.  Because if you are happy your kids are happy!!!

hugs